Cheryl Cole Cast In Street Fighter: The Musical

The Big Screen can exclusively reveal that Cheryl Cole has been cast in a musical reworking of 1994's Street Fighter.

Despite the fact that a director is still to be named and the script not yet written, Cheryl Cole has signed on to play the role of megalomaniac, General M. Bison.

Following a stuttering few months in her media career and her failure to crack the American market, Cole has been looking for a new direction and is eager to press on. Although the musical is seemingly lodged in the mire of pre-production limbo, the Girls Aloud star has already begun rehearsals and has had a costume designed specifically for the role.

The lack of music and lyrics have not deterred her in her preparations. The face of L'Oreal has been writing a number of songs herself in the hope they may be used. Whilst no recordings of the songs are yet to exist, working titles released by a spokesman for the singer include Finish Him (Killing Him Swiftly), Perfect (K.O!) and a reworking of It Ain't Easy Being Green (A Ballad for Blanka).

The Big Screen is excited to release this photo of the "M. Bison" costume during a rehearsal. The similarity to Julia's 1994 costume is sure to please fanboys.

Things I'd Like To Do With The Actor James Gandolfini: #1 Go For A Pint and A Pub Quiz

It's been a busy few weeks and stacks of DVDs have replaced trips to the cinema for the meantime. Frustrating but the thought of Transformers 3 is keeping me far away from the big screens for at least another week.

Time has been an issue for the lack of content and writer's block. Words usually flow for me when it comes to writing about film but many hours were spent re-writing and then scrapping a rant about Jesse Eisenberg. In short, he gets on my tits. Some day I might have the eloquence to explain why.

Anyway, this all leads to a new article for the blog and one that will hopefully become semi-regular (expect more updates for Actors Against Gravity soon). And so The Big Screen Presents: Things I'd Like To Do With The Actor James Gandolfini.

About a month ago, having fallen asleep during The Last Castle, my dreams were infiltrated by an imposing figure in the form of James Gandolfini. As he has a role in the film it seems completely normal to have gone on to dream about him. However before falling asleep during the film, there had been a news report on the benefits of breastfeeding. These two elements combined in a lethal fashion in my head like a lorry full of mentos crashing into a Coke factory. It was out of control. My subconcious decided on the most disturbing scenario it could imagine. Me, my adult self, was being breastfed by Tony Soprano and discussing certain scenes of In The Loop.

It was only after I had woken up that I realised just how horrific my slumber had been. More worrying was how ambivalent I was during the entire act. I spent the rest of the morning considering how having shared such an intimate moment with the man that we could relocate our relationship to a purely platonic plain.

Things I'd Like To Do With The Actor James Gandolfini: #1 Go For A Pint and A Pub Quiz.

We would meet at my local. It would seem quaint and very English to Jim (I can call him that...it's cool) and he would feel inclined to fit the ambiance by buying a pint of Black Sheep Ale for £1.85. A mere sip of the lukewarm ale would lead to a conversation about how all ale tastes like piss and lukewarm coffee. We would both laugh. I tell him I'll get the next round. I'd buy a pint of Strongbow and grab him a pint of Coors Light. Frosty cold glasses makes for an infinitely more enjoyable set of drinks. For the next round we would swap beverages. He wouldn't get over the crisp tang of Strongbow and can't quite get used to it. 'Nevermind, it goes down like water' he duly notes. An above average score follows on the quiz and we narrowly miss out on a third place finish. It doesn't matter though as we've had a great time. A shake of the hand and nod that says 'Same time next week'. See you then Jim.

Actors Against Gravity - Oscar Nominees Diagnosed

A disturbing discovery was made this week as literally tens of movie posters were put under the glare of the anti-gravity spotlight. At first the promotional posters for the 1994 romantic comedy Only You may seem like they have managed to escape the usual pitfall of the two leads leaning upon one another. The movie, which went under the radar for many despite critics lauding it as "easily forgettable", sees Marisa Tomei and Robert Downey Jr playing around with ouija boards and carnival fortune tellers in the search for a disgustingly happy ending.

However, further research into the promotional material of the film has shown a VHS cover (although no one is believed to have bought the film on video) displaying one of the most horrendous cases of excess gravity yet.

The corner of the poster highlighting the 45 degree angle whilst the muted smile that straddles Downey Jr's smug visage hides his pain at his inability to balance.

It is a worrying indication of the widespread issue that faces actors today. Both Tomei and Downey Jr have been Oscar nominees in the past which suggests a great inner strength to overcome their difficulties with equilibrium in their profession. Nevertheless these are only minor victories and they are two more high profile names to join the list alongside Carell, Bullock, Affleck, Zeta Jones, Roberts, Hudson, Grant, Russo, Kevin Costner, Richard Gere and Matthew McConaughey (who is now believed to be living at a permanent 30 degree angle). What kind of life awaits these stars of today?

Who will help these veritable treasures of modern culture who struggle so severely to find gravity in their performances? You can! And we all can by spreading awareness of their plight.

Join us on twitter @gravityvictims to keep up with breaking news in this on going struggle.

Together we can overcome gravity!

Actors Against Gravity: Costner and Russo Laugh To Hide The Tears

Golf Pro. Love Amateur. Gravity Sufferer.

Another high profile Hollywood name to fall victim to the Earth's most powerful force became apparent this week. The poster for 1996's Tin Cup, praised by the Los Angeles Times as "dispiritingly conventional and obvious", shows the two leads sharing a moment of light-hearted warmth. Perhaps Rene Russo told her co-star that joke that she knows. However, no amount of smiling can gloss over the worrying position of Kevin Costner. He has found himself at a quite unfeasible angle as he tries to enjoy life at a permanent 45 degree slant.

Russo seems to serves two purposes in this poster. The first is to act as a guide of as near to an upright angle as is possible in a romcom poster. This highlights the ludicrous nature of Costner's stance. The second seems to be physically pulling Costner away from an even more absurd angle. It is unclear how strong Rene Russo actually is but she appears to be pulling her co-star up to a workable angle by only using a three finger grip on his right forearm.

Sources close to Costner indicate that his move away from the limelight in recent years may be down to his struggle with gravity. One source goes further and claims that the Dances With Wolves star spends up to 8 hours a night lying at an entirely horizontal angle.

A disheartening development as the fight to find a cure continues!

Together we can defeat gravity!

Confessions

Confessions (告白 Kokuhaku) is another example to the world that the Far East has taken revenge cinema to a whole new level over the past decade. Following in the elaborate vengeful footsteps of Park Chan-Wook’s Vengeance Trilogy, Confessions sees a teacher exact her punishment on the two pupils responsible for the death of her daughter. A syringe filled with AIDS infected blood is the unusual weapon of choice used to taint the milk of the guilty. With everyone having received their daily dose of calcium she calmly breaks the news to the unknowing class. However, the sweeping of four awards at the 34^th Japanese Academy Awards (including Best Picture and Best Director) as well as making the nine film shortlist for the ever competitive Best Foreign Film category at this year’s Oscars suggests there is more than purely dodgy dairy products and classroom disharmony on display.

Writer and director Tetsuya Nakashima has had little success with previous films Kamikaze Girls and Memories of Matsuko in his attempts to breach the Western market. Both only managed a handful of screenings in festivals and independent cinemas across Europe and North America before promptly making their way via DVD release to the dimly lit World Cinema aisle. Confessions though, having been released on DVD at the end of April, has received a limited release in cinemas nationwide thanks to leading distributors of East Asian cinema, Third Window Films.

The reason for the wider release than his previous films seems to lie in the greater appeal to a Western audience which is most clearly evident in the film’s soundtrack. Nakashima, who also takes on the role of Music Supervisor, rejects a purely instrumental score and instead opts for a mixture of tracks specifically composed for the film and others that were not. The result is an intoxicating cocktail of one part bizarre odes about milk, a few hefty measures of heavy ambient rock, a tinge of Radiohead’s recent back catalogue with ‘Last Flowers’ then finished with a decorative umbrella composed of KC and the Sunshine Band’s ‘That’s the Way (I Like It)’. Whilst the mix may seem overly eclectic and at times downright peculiar on paper, it works perfectly when blended with Nakashima’s creative vision. The final sequence in particular highlights the brilliance of Nakashima’s choice and execution in using previously released material to complement his story. ‘Farewell’, a track released in 2005 by Japanese experimental rock band Boris, with its ominous wave of distorted guitars crashing into Nakashima’s imagery on screen leaves a brutally cathartic aftertaste as the credits begin to roll.

Confessions was released on DVD on April 25^th. Visit www.thirdwindowfilms.com for news and details of cinema screenings nationwide.