Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Actors Against Gravity: Intolerable Posters

After nearly six months and multiple cases of equilibrium deficiency, Actors Against Gravity has only just dipped a toe into Hollywood's endless Cocytus of poorly designed marketing efforts. The list of actors to publicly suffer continues to grow whilst some of their co-stars have begun to actively embrace living life at a slant.

Catherine Zeta-Jones continues her battle after announcing her disagreement with the Earth's answer to Pritt Stick in the poster for No Reservations. Whilst George Clooney finds use for himself as a book-end to prop his colleague up in 2003's Intolerable Cruelty. The film was praised by the Long Island Press for being "a conventional Hollywood comedy boasting a bolder indie heart, the film essentially combines the worst of both worlds."

Clooney it must be said is only at a marginal lean which may be a result of trying to keep Zeta-Jones on her feet or by external forces such as a sturdy breeze. However, he will be placed under observation for the meantime.

Actors Against Gravity can still be found on twitter @gravityvictims

If you see actors suffering then get in touch: actorsagainstgravity@gmail.com

Together we can defeat gravity.

Saturday, 9 July 2011

Cheryl Cole Cast In Street Fighter: The Musical

The Big Screen can exclusively reveal that Cheryl Cole has been cast in a musical reworking of 1994's Street Fighter.

Despite the fact that a director is still to be named and the script not yet written, Cheryl Cole has signed on to play the role of megalomaniac, General M. Bison.

Following a stuttering few months in her media career and her failure to crack the American market, Cole has been looking for a new direction and is eager to press on. Although the musical is seemingly lodged in the mire of pre-production limbo, the Girls Aloud star has already begun rehearsals and has had a costume designed specifically for the role.

The lack of music and lyrics have not deterred her in her preparations. The face of L'Oreal has been writing a number of songs herself in the hope they may be used. Whilst no recordings of the songs are yet to exist, working titles released by a spokesman for the singer include Finish Him (Killing Him Swiftly), Perfect (K.O!) and a reworking of It Ain't Easy Being Green (A Ballad for Blanka).

The Big Screen is excited to release this photo of the "M. Bison" costume during a rehearsal. The similarity to Julia's 1994 costume is sure to please fanboys.

Thursday, 7 July 2011

Things I'd Like To Do With The Actor James Gandolfini: #1 Go For A Pint and A Pub Quiz

It's been a busy few weeks and stacks of DVDs have replaced trips to the cinema for the meantime. Frustrating but the thought of Transformers 3 is keeping me far away from the big screens for at least another week.

Time has been an issue for the lack of content and writer's block. Words usually flow for me when it comes to writing about film but many hours were spent re-writing and then scrapping a rant about Jesse Eisenberg. In short, he gets on my tits. Some day I might have the eloquence to explain why.

Anyway, this all leads to a new article for the blog and one that will hopefully become semi-regular (expect more updates for Actors Against Gravity soon). And so The Big Screen Presents: Things I'd Like To Do With The Actor James Gandolfini.

About a month ago, having fallen asleep during The Last Castle, my dreams were infiltrated by an imposing figure in the form of James Gandolfini. As he has a role in the film it seems completely normal to have gone on to dream about him. However before falling asleep during the film, there had been a news report on the benefits of breastfeeding. These two elements combined in a lethal fashion in my head like a lorry full of mentos crashing into a Coke factory. It was out of control. My subconcious decided on the most disturbing scenario it could imagine. Me, my adult self, was being breastfed by Tony Soprano and discussing certain scenes of In The Loop.

It was only after I had woken up that I realised just how horrific my slumber had been. More worrying was how ambivalent I was during the entire act. I spent the rest of the morning considering how having shared such an intimate moment with the man that we could relocate our relationship to a purely platonic plain.

Things I'd Like To Do With The Actor James Gandolfini: #1 Go For A Pint and A Pub Quiz.

We would meet at my local. It would seem quaint and very English to Jim (I can call him that...it's cool) and he would feel inclined to fit the ambiance by buying a pint of Black Sheep Ale for £1.85. A mere sip of the lukewarm ale would lead to a conversation about how all ale tastes like piss and lukewarm coffee. We would both laugh. I tell him I'll get the next round. I'd buy a pint of Strongbow and grab him a pint of Coors Light. Frosty cold glasses makes for an infinitely more enjoyable set of drinks. For the next round we would swap beverages. He wouldn't get over the crisp tang of Strongbow and can't quite get used to it. 'Nevermind, it goes down like water' he duly notes. An above average score follows on the quiz and we narrowly miss out on a third place finish. It doesn't matter though as we've had a great time. A shake of the hand and nod that says 'Same time next week'. See you then Jim.