Actors Against Gravity: Intolerable Posters

After nearly six months and multiple cases of equilibrium deficiency, Actors Against Gravity has only just dipped a toe into Hollywood's endless Cocytus of poorly designed marketing efforts. The list of actors to publicly suffer continues to grow whilst some of their co-stars have begun to actively embrace living life at a slant.

Catherine Zeta-Jones continues her battle after announcing her disagreement with the Earth's answer to Pritt Stick in the poster for No Reservations. Whilst George Clooney finds use for himself as a book-end to prop his colleague up in 2003's Intolerable Cruelty. The film was praised by the Long Island Press for being "a conventional Hollywood comedy boasting a bolder indie heart, the film essentially combines the worst of both worlds."

Clooney it must be said is only at a marginal lean which may be a result of trying to keep Zeta-Jones on her feet or by external forces such as a sturdy breeze. However, he will be placed under observation for the meantime.

Actors Against Gravity can still be found on twitter @gravityvictims

If you see actors suffering then get in touch: actorsagainstgravity@gmail.com

Together we can defeat gravity.

Actors Against Gravity - Oscar Nominees Diagnosed

A disturbing discovery was made this week as literally tens of movie posters were put under the glare of the anti-gravity spotlight. At first the promotional posters for the 1994 romantic comedy Only You may seem like they have managed to escape the usual pitfall of the two leads leaning upon one another. The movie, which went under the radar for many despite critics lauding it as "easily forgettable", sees Marisa Tomei and Robert Downey Jr playing around with ouija boards and carnival fortune tellers in the search for a disgustingly happy ending.

However, further research into the promotional material of the film has shown a VHS cover (although no one is believed to have bought the film on video) displaying one of the most horrendous cases of excess gravity yet.

The corner of the poster highlighting the 45 degree angle whilst the muted smile that straddles Downey Jr's smug visage hides his pain at his inability to balance.

It is a worrying indication of the widespread issue that faces actors today. Both Tomei and Downey Jr have been Oscar nominees in the past which suggests a great inner strength to overcome their difficulties with equilibrium in their profession. Nevertheless these are only minor victories and they are two more high profile names to join the list alongside Carell, Bullock, Affleck, Zeta Jones, Roberts, Hudson, Grant, Russo, Kevin Costner, Richard Gere and Matthew McConaughey (who is now believed to be living at a permanent 30 degree angle). What kind of life awaits these stars of today?

Who will help these veritable treasures of modern culture who struggle so severely to find gravity in their performances? You can! And we all can by spreading awareness of their plight.

Join us on twitter @gravityvictims to keep up with breaking news in this on going struggle.

Together we can overcome gravity!

Actors Against Gravity: Costner and Russo Laugh To Hide The Tears

Golf Pro. Love Amateur. Gravity Sufferer.

Another high profile Hollywood name to fall victim to the Earth's most powerful force became apparent this week. The poster for 1996's Tin Cup, praised by the Los Angeles Times as "dispiritingly conventional and obvious", shows the two leads sharing a moment of light-hearted warmth. Perhaps Rene Russo told her co-star that joke that she knows. However, no amount of smiling can gloss over the worrying position of Kevin Costner. He has found himself at a quite unfeasible angle as he tries to enjoy life at a permanent 45 degree slant.

Russo seems to serves two purposes in this poster. The first is to act as a guide of as near to an upright angle as is possible in a romcom poster. This highlights the ludicrous nature of Costner's stance. The second seems to be physically pulling Costner away from an even more absurd angle. It is unclear how strong Rene Russo actually is but she appears to be pulling her co-star up to a workable angle by only using a three finger grip on his right forearm.

Sources close to Costner indicate that his move away from the limelight in recent years may be down to his struggle with gravity. One source goes further and claims that the Dances With Wolves star spends up to 8 hours a night lying at an entirely horizontal angle.

A disheartening development as the fight to find a cure continues!

Together we can defeat gravity!

Actors Against Gravity: Condition of Sandra Bullock Improves

Sandra Bullock – one of the biggest names to suffer at the hands of Newton’s discovery – has seen a marked improvement in her condition.

Having previously been seen at a near 45 degree angle in the poster for Forces of Nature, Bullock is now close to an upright angle. Something that still remains elusive for many of her colleagues.

However, the news is tainted with sorrow. Hugh Grant, a man who had seemingly avoided the disease intrinsic to romantic comedies despite making a career out of them, has finally succumbed to gravity. Possibly in an attempt to add some artistic value to Two Weeks Notice, praised by critics as “something of a disaster”, Grant and Bullock try too hard to add weight to their performances.

The resulting imbalance in acting gravity has caused them to resemble the top of a house of cards.

Scientists at NASA have been asked to look into the problem after concerns were raised that unnecessary leaning and excess gravity could spread to the general public.

Have you seen actors struggling with their deadliest foe? Spread awareness by emailing actorsagainstgravity@gmail.com so we can highlight their plight.

Together we can overcome gravity.

Actors Against Gravity: No Reservations

Full marks to Catherine Zeta Jones for overcoming the stigma that surrounds mental illness and announcing that she had been receiving treatment for bi-polar disorder.

Sadly her one time co-star Aaron Eckhart chooses to suffer in silence.

The list of actors suffering from the Earth's gravity continues to grow. The condition first diagnosed in Matthew McConaughey is becoming endemic to weak Hollywood romantic comedies. Steve Carell, Ben Affleck, Sandra Bullock, Richard Gere have now all joined McConaughey in his semi-horizontal life.

Eckhart's problem may go unnoticed at first in the poster for 2007's No Reservations - a film lauded by The Independent as "fantastically smug and boring". However, if you crack out a ruler, draw a completely vertical line through the centre of his legs to the top of his head and then use a protractor to measure the disturbing angle at which he was standing.

By my own calculation, he is about 8 degrees from standing vertically.

An insignificant amount that many will sneer at but that kind of ignorance will mean that actors in romcom posters are eternally destined to struggle at the hands of gravity.

Have you seen an actor suffering from gravity? Perhaps they have too much or too little - either way it is a serious problem. If you do then email us at actorsagainstgravity@gmail.com

Together we can overcome gravity.

Actors Against Gravity - A-List of Victims

A month on and the campaign to rid actors of their greatest nemesis continues.

The campaign itself is strong, invisible to the naked eye but still at the forefront of our everyday existence. It is in many ways like the force of gravity which claimed two more victims in the form of that girl from Speed and Matt Damon's less talented friend.

Forces of Nature, praised by TIME Magazine who hailed it a "reprehensible fiasco", sees Bullock and Affleck end up in each others arms in the most logical possible way via the untimely death of a seagull in a plane engine and Cupid in the guise of a hurricane.

The poster features them falling victim to another of Earth's natural powers as both find themselves at angles previously never witnessed in run of the mill romcom posters. Affleck's pose in particular seems deeply unnatural as if he were a shatterproof ruler pushed to the very limits.

Also note the fact that the imaginary wind in the poster is pushing him back from left to right which is also suggested by the direction of the milky rain. However, Bullock's hair is blown back as if it is blowing right to left. Not only are they both the victims of Hollywood's desire for extreme gravity, the poster itself cannot decide where the bloody forces of nature are coming from.

With your help actors can overcome gravity (and poster inaccuracies)!

Actors Against Gravity - How You Can Help!

If you've ever seen a romcom poster and thought "I love the look of those two actors just leaning against each other!". Stop. These poses are not the result of months of discussion between a photographer, studio executives and group of image consultants wondering how to make their weak rehashed lighthearted love story look fresh, laidback, original or even cool.

These stances are the result of a problem endemic to Hollywood thespians. Gravity. Some have too much gravity whilst others have none at all.

As can be seen from the evidence above, Richard Gere is just one of Hollywood's big names struggling to manage equilibrium in his profession.

If you spot an actor struggling with their balance then email us at:

actorsagainstgravity@gmail.com

Together we can overcome gravity.

Actors Against Gravity - Another Helpless Victim

And so gravity has another victim. This time in the shape of Steve Carell.

Before the promotional material for the 2007 film Dan In Real Life was released, Carell apparently begged that the poster for this film be sent out in landscape format in order to disguise his trouble with Newton's most famous discovery.

Sadly marketing executives decided that the sympathy dollar was too hard to resist and ran with the original much to the annoyance of Carell.

If you see an actor struggling with gravity, support them to an adequate angle and then call the national Actors Against Gravity helpline to make a donation.

Just £2 a month is enough to provide a gravity stricken actor with a supporting cast strong enough to carry them through their next film.

Actors Against Gravity - Matthew McConaughey Update

After a whipround amongst Hollywood's A-list, enough funds have been cobbled together to devise this ingenius and practical acting aide modelled by the elegantly equine Sarah Jessica Parker.

A special thank you must go to Emilio Estevez, Cuba Gooding Jnr, Jamie Foxx and Kate Hudson who between them contributed £7.42. It is because of them that one of Hollywood's brightest stars is given the chance to shine once more.

Actors Against Gravity will be holding future benefits. The next is to be held in Woodseats Working Mens Club, Sheffield. It's likely to be £4 in - cheese and pineapple hedgehog, sausage rolls and sandwiches included. With at least 8% of all profits going towards other actors in their struggle with their greatest foe.

Date to be finalised.